I have regrets.

Which is a more damning indictment of your lifestyle:

Drinking wine from a water glass because all of your wine glasses are dirty, or

Drinking water from a wine glass because all of your other glasses are dirty?

I have had it up to here with the first down measurement

Take a look at this shot from the Browns-Steelers game this last weekend.  This was called a first down after a 4th-and-1 QB sneak, and the correct call looks like it should have been a turnover on downs.

Image via MJD at Yahoo’s Shutdown Corner

This image has been making the rounds this morning as an example of poor officiating, but I have known for years that the first down measurement is bullshit, and I would rant about it to anyone who would listen.

My uncle’s father emigrated from Holland a while ago and settled around the Bay-area in San Francisco.  He had never seen American football before, but he immediately loved it.  My uncle told me the story about how the first time he saw the chain gang come on the field to measure a first down, he was baffled.

“What the hell are they doing?”

“Measuring for a first down.  You remember, 10 yards and they—”

“Yes I know the first down rule.  But what are they measuring?  They’re just in the middle of the field.  What kind of pseudo-precision is this?”  It took an outsider to realize how little sense this measuring device makes.  And he’s exactly right.

Here’s how the chain gang works.  There are three parts: The two bulls-eye polls are connected by a chain 10 yards long, and the ball-spot marker, not connected to anything, which conveniently displays the down.  On this really awesome MS Paint diagram, the ball-spot marker is labeled 1 (which marks the line of scrimmage), the back bulls-eye is labeled 2, and the front bulls-eye (which marks first down line) is labeled 3.

Note that on 1st and 10, numbers 1 and 2 are always the exact same spot.  They mark where numbers 2 and 3 are by placing a clip in the chain on the five yard line marker closest to the first down.  In this case, there is a clip on the 45 yard line (marked by a little red dot).  If the man holding either 2 or 3 gets moved by a player going out of bounds, they just move the clip back to the 45 yard line, and bam, they’re back on track.

Say the team runs a play, in this case a 7 yard gain.  Only the ball-spot marker moves, going up to the line of scrimmage, and they flip the number to say 2nd down.  The chain and the clip stay in exactly the same place.

One play later, and the team gains about 2 and a half yards.  It’s close enough to a first down that the officials signal to the gang for a measurement.  Numbers 2 and 3 march out on the field, put the clip on the 45 yard line, stretch the chain tight, and they get all down close to the ball and take a look where it is.  If the ball breaks the plane of the marker, it’s a first down.  If not, we have 3rd and short.

So, you might be asking me, what is your deal?  Don’t feel rude, I get this all the time.  But seriously, doesn’t this seem like a pretty good way to do things? No, it does not.  The point of that chain is supposed to represent some sort of scientific measurement, but in reality, they are just eyeballing where the chain should point.  It’s a pretty simple complaint: what if the chain is on an angle?  Then it’s not measuring 10 yards up and down the field, and if it’s not measuring exactly 10 yards, then what is the point?

Take a look at any football game you see over the rest of your life.  Unless the ball is on the hashmarks, or on the sidelines, all the chain gang is doing is giving their best guess.  And we don’t need a chain gang for that, when the referee spotting the ball is already giving that spot his best guess.  Just drop the charade, speed up the games, and cut the chain gang.

Ben Pike, a person I have never met, is a giant douchebag.

From the New York Times:

Ben Pike, a 2006 Georgetown graduate, was settled into a copper-colored sofa in the back of Gates lounge. He said he hoped to meet New York women who were more than merely gorgeous. “I’ve been in the city three years and dated girls who are legitimate models, and that gets old,” said Mr. Pike, who works in private equity.

Trying way too hard to impress me, Ben.  And it’s not working.

Mitch Albom: "When you get up at 8, are parked by 9, and are three beers deep by 10, you have issues."

“Issue: you’re 3 hours behind.” — @toomuchpete

(via @oopspow)